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To Get What You Want, Ask for It

In our culture, we're encouraged to be independent, resourceful and self-reliant. Asking for help or what you want is generally frowned upon. Both men and women avoid asking for anything because they're afraid of rejection.

It doesn't matter if it's on a personal or professional level. A salesperson working to make a sale, requesting your honey to take out the trash, or asking your boss for a raise all feel threatening. If someone says "no," you're devastated. It makes you anxious and feels like a personal rejection, instead of a rejection of your product or service.

But that's how you interpret the rejection. Most of the time, others refuse your request because it's not the right time, the right product or service for them, or that they just can't fit it into their schedule or budget. It's not a judgment on whether what you're asking for is appropriate or not. Nor is it a personal statement about you or your value.

Women, especially, have a hard time asking for what they want. They're taught that unless help is given freely, then they're being demanding. So they tend to take an indirect route, hoping that the other person picks up on their cues and gives them what they want.

This is ineffective. People aren't mind readers. They may not realize that you're asking for something, or what it might be. If you don't ask specifically for what you want, you tend to receive what you don't want. Or at least a lesser version of your desire.

That's why it's so important to be clear about what you want. Not only to be able to communicate it to other people, but also for your subconscious mind. If you aren't clear on what you want, how can anyone (or your subconscious) give it to you?

Many times, you don't even allow yourself to know exactly what you want. In childhood, you may have been told:
  • Not to want too much.
  • Don't be a pest.
  • Wait until it's offered.
  • Don't impose on others.
So you mask what you want even from yourself. Suppose you ask for a cup of coffee, but omit asking for cream and sugar. You'll resent getting just a part of what you wanted.

If you aren't clear with yourself, then you'll continue to receive what you always have and no more. The subconscious can only provide you with what you've already input into it. And most people in your life just go along with the status quo or the path of least resistance. To expand into a greater experience, you have to first be clear on what you really desire.

Once you know what it is that you want, then you need to start asking for it. Ask your creative mind for help. This will prompt it to begin looking for opportunities for you. Be direct and ask other people for what you want and by when. People generally want to help. They won't think less of you and may even be delighted that they can participate.

Approach your request by reminding yourself of your worth. Write some of your good qualities. This will help you be more resilient if your appeal is declined. List the reasons why you want your request. Is it part of a routine that needs to be done? Will it improve your quality of life? Is it a product or service that can benefit others? This will motivate you to keep pursuing it.

You don't have anything to lose by asking. If they say "no," you're no worse off than you are now. And if they refuse, you know where you stand and can move forward to what's next. It may not be about you. It just means they're simply not the right person to help you and vice versa. Or it's not the right time. Don't let a "no" be discouraging.

Learn to tell yourself positive statements when you bump into a "no." When you're clear about what you want and keep asking for it, you'll be better off than you are now. And who knows? You may even get exactly what you want.

Copyright © 2009-2023 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

As a focus coach, hypnotherapist, and speaker, Linda-Ann Stewart motivates women to focus and transform their business through deliberate actions that break through distraction and overwhelm to greater success, freedom, wellbeing and prosperity. Watch her FREE training video on Set Your Course to Success: 4 steps to strategically achieve your goals with confidence and ease. Register for the video and accompanying action planning guide at You can contact her at or 928-600-0452.


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